keep trying

at first glance today all i could think was

"if you don't have something nice to say....______________________"

Yep - BLANK!


i had nothing nice to say.

so I kept repeating that to myself. "if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all" -- kept me from some of the really caustic commentary that was on the tip of my tongue, and eventually i could see the wisdom in it.

i kept so much to myself, randomly a couple hours into the day i could see the reward in it.

honestly. i am a grump. and toxic. these days.

i suppose that is normal for someone who has been holding in so much for so long.


ups and downs. that is what dealing with healing is about.

my G is 17.5 now. and still healing from TBI - traumatic brain injury. they got the traumatic part right. this is not fun. i am a little traumatized myself.

we are 1.3 years.months from that traumatic day. the day we veered from the easy road.

life had it's trials before, miles of trials.
now we are off-roading.
the signs say there is a summit, a view to be had worth all the bumps and pits in the road to get there. i believe it, but....for now it seems to be miles and miles of dry desert....nothing on the horizon worth taking a picture.

brain injury -- there are support groups, and I have had access to the information a few times. i always think that it doesn't make sense to start going because he is going to get better. he will be fine...next week, next month, next year. and besides ...it is not THAT bad. he is just a little different. but he is going to be okay. i just need to stop whining about it.

i need to accept his new normal.
who he is now,
and stop grieving who I expected him to be,
who he use to be.

even he said to me..."Mom, stop! I don't know what I was like before...I don't know who you think I am going to be. I DONT remember." He has told me it is frustrating for him. It seems like everything is getting harder.
He doesn't know what or why or how any of it is going to change.

and that is TODAY.

He told me today that it is harder than it was. It seems to be getting worse.

Are we not doing enough? What's enough???

i had parent teacher conferences last week for him. felt like a slaughter house.

it is hard to work with the new G. He is different.

anyhow, today I wrote a note to one of his teachers to follow up with our conversation and I told her that we will keep trying.

and we will.



in other light....me....how am i doing in all of this? i feel hopeless. i keep trying to feel "possible". i m possible???

right??!

i am frustrated. i am irritable. i am not super pleasant.

i have heard the rumors. the people who in the past have been our support, seem to be celebrating our hardships. maybe really they are our best cheerleaders. for maybe some of them see the potential for our growth in these trying times. and maybe they feel that if they just snicker in the stands, and boo us, and throw popcorn at us, that it will encourage us to rise above and that we will somehow conquer.

idk, but i don't think a team has ever done better in such negative circumstances. I think that it has been proven that positive input begat positive output.

anyhow, I am trying to mute. i am trying to NOT hear the rumors, and criticisms. there are still a few people who genuinely love us, and care, and will root for our team. even when it seems we are losing.....it!


in the MEANtime.....i keep on trying. nothing will stop me from trying a little everyday. i believe i m possible. my G is possible. and we will pull through this.

i will smile, and some who really know will see the pain behind the smile.

we will take whatever we have to because in the long run i have an eternal perspective that all will be well in the end. if it is not yet well...it is not the end. i wont stop being proud of the integrity and hard work we are putting forth to heal, and to be whole.

this has been a pretty tough and trying time.

B said to me yesterday that growth hurts. and any growth that helps you to stand a little taller comes with growing pains. so....we will take all the pain and trial that comes with this growth. it will be worth it.