Friday, 30 March 2012

just be yourself....really

i talked with a few doctors this past week about G's healing and the word i get is still patience and time.

...and a LOT of rest.

no rest for the seems to me.

i am weary.

how about a little rest for the worry. i need that.

we have adjusted his school schedule to accommodate the ridiculous headaches that he suffers every day. he usually overcomes the worst of them by noon so an afternoon/evening schedule is best. his counselor at school today told me i should write a book because i really am doing everything as right as anyone could in this situation, he really emphasized that i could be a great resource to other parents suffering this, struggling through it, one day at a time, and certainly more days than i ever imagined.

it could be worse.

he is not looking to addictions, or sleeping day and night with no motivation.

he is still a very social kid, and very successful at his job. makes sense, it's evening work, and he feels happy there. versus school; he feels like the "village idiot" at school. the kid that could have conquered the hierarchy but plundered bottom. it's so depressing.

this change in his schedule should help and we know a little more about what we can do, for now.

on the bright side he took the ACTs and did pretty well. GREAT NEWS considering that it is a full day of stressful testing, which took three days of sleep and severe headache to recover. but he took the test, he accomplished it and he reached a benchmark that will allow him to apply to colleges and actually start at some college level courses. of course, that is a few years out, and some more heal.

one thing that I am thankful for is that he has time....senior year, an LDS mission (which is on his agenda, something he has chosen to be important to him), and then life....and college, and hopefully he will be in a better place, healed and whole, and who HE wants to be.

i think that is the hardest part, when i hear him say that he doesn't remember who he he doesn't know who we expect him to be.

he is different to us...but to him, he is himself.

i think he just needs us to be with him today, who he is now, and quit looking for the old, accept the new G, our G.

my youngest, J-10 years old, said today "mom, when is G going to be G again?"

and then he told me he just worries that something really bad is going to happen to him. i didn't know he was worrying so much about it and it makes me feel bad. in the chaos of trying to work with this healing i have forgotten to notice how it is upturned my other childrens lives and relationships with their brother.

it has changed them all.

i told J to just talk to his brother and ask him when J was beat up at school yesterday...he could ask G what he would do about it. like a little brother to a big brother...because still, that is who they are.

this has been hard for us all. but we are making it harder focusing so much on when G is going to be well....and not just accepting each day, and each moment, as a blessing to live and love and laugh.

we need to do that.

it is still possible: LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.
corny yes.. but it is what we've got!

side note: i just started this blog and it morphed into a record of healing from my son's TBI (traumatic brain injury). i found some journal entries from the past couple of years, including the accident and those first months of healing, which i am going to add to this record. it is a long and difficult journey and worth noting the process, and the progress.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

explain it to my heart

this is a tough one.
i can't wrap my mind around it,
even the explanations have explanations.
so...could someone just explain it to my heart.
a very good friend who has been dealt this pain, but really so much worse, reminded me this week that "i don't do criticism".

See, last Fall at the State Football Championship game she
came, with her husband.
Her husband has
a TBI, much worse than ours,
(not to compare, but really)
keeps me in

Anyhow, my son played football this last Fall;
after THE
His first injury was the Winter
We had plenty of doctor
interaction, saw specialists after specialists.
Did the Impact tests, went through all the procedures of return to play
after the concussion.
Our specialists
work with professional Football, Baseball, and Gymnasts…sports of all kinds,
and accident victims, etc.
The right
thing to do with people in recovery is to help them back to the things they
love to do.
Our G loves Football, loves
(cause of accident was an overshot jump,
he fell about 40 feet,
landing on his head.
He was unconscious
and lost some memory.
He was unable to
move his legs.
his ability now
is such a
people LOVE to tell me
that we should put him in a bubble,
allow him to do the things he LOVES again.
if we cared..."if he were our child..."
..."we would..."
Protect him, smother him, and hold him back….
if…IF we were responsible
Well, last Fall I expressed to her that when others feel the
need to ADVISE me on what I SHOULD be doing
I just politely let them know that
we don’t do criticism.
The complaint
department is over yonder…in the garbage can.
Thanks, but no thanks.
I may not
know what I am doing…but I am
doing my best…
and eventually MY BEST will become
So I just keep at it.
The ADVICE I do take is from the professionals who are
They are good at what they do,
and if they don’t know the answers they always let me know just that.
Brains are so tricky, no one can know
Sometimes the answer is just
The advice thus far is that returning to healthy exercise
and sports that G loves will do more for his healing than anything else.
Sleep is key;
if we can’t wake him up to get
to school, let him sleep.
School is the
WORST thing for his healing.
Makes sense
to me…NOW,
but back when we began this process I argued that he just needed to
determine that he was going to be better, to be able, and to be whole.
We are still aiming for all that.
Right now he is NOT better (worse),
he is disABLEd,
and the healing process is full of HOLES.
It is so confusing.
like he has a head trauma,
and I have heart trauma.
I think the key word is TRAuMA.
This whole thing is traumatic.
I just wanted to write a few more things so that I could
reference myself.
Today I sat with his school counselor, after our other
appointment. His school counselor has the
goal of getting him graduated, with stellar recommendations.
He knows our son,
and he knows from a coach’s
standpoint that he will be healed, in time.
In another year he will look back and wonder how he ever endured this
whole experience (me in the office at this point tearing up…because I wonder
sometimes if we will.)
This man has
knowledge from years of being a coach and a school counselor.
He was a rugby coach, a soccer coach, and now
is track and field and an academic counselor (retiring this year).
He knows injuries and he knows G, very well.
Today he told G that he has to realize that
he is not the same. The old G could have
handled the AP and Honors classes that the new G wants to be in.
The new G cannot.
Not that he can’t try… but the goal is to
graduate and the journey forward
does not include the courses that he wants to
take, the courses he would have been able to do,
the old G.
It is such a defining process, and so humiliating for my
See, the brain is like any other part of the body and yet
unlike in every way.
If you were to
sprain an ankle,
you would rest the ankle,
you would not run on it, or do
repetitions of ankle rolls.
You elevate
it, rest it, take iBuprofin
and allow it time to heal.
After a while your ankle is healed.
The brain is likened to that, when a
concussion happens
the brain needs time to heal,
sometimes a very long
And it takes at least a year to see
that the brain is healed,
and longer to know what affects you may have for
If you don’t rest the brain it
takes longer.
School is the ankle
Reading and learning and sitting
through a class may sound easy
but it is no different than trying to run a
marathon on a sprained ankle.
The best
thing for healing a brain
is exercise and sports and doing the things that you
your brain endorphins of happiness are healing.
The stress and degradation of people’s criticism’s
and expectations are not.

G has been running a marathon.
I have been pushing him along.
Today I learned that we need to be patient, ...still.
We need another specialist to advise.
We will listen, and learn, and eventually
heal and understand.
I just wanted to remember some of these things. More later.

Brain Pain

Well, I now know for certain that I know nothing about the brain. Not that I thought I was an expert, but this news today really solidified the fact that I need help/support in this whole mTBI (mild traumatic brain injury) that my G is healing from.

I had two appointments today for my son, and those lead to the necessity for some follow up with a neurologist. I know nothing. But what I do know is that these symptoms are getting worse....and ironically it is NOT all in his head, or maybe that is exactly what it is.

My boy is suffering terribly.
My fears are real and they are validated today.
He is getting worse.
And we do not know what to do.

He is a fighter, I am a fighter.
His counselor (at school) complimented that I am a great advocate for my son. He can see that I am a fighter, and that while G is not able to win this battle alone, he will win the war with great people at the helm.

I have asked about the support groups and will try to go this month. Last Tuesday each month, I think (i write that as more of a reminder to me, note to self!)

I have taken the advice of the other specialist we saw today and have pushed to have an appointment next week, rather than May.
This has become urgent.

So....what seems impossible...healing and momentum on this journey of healing, with help and associates who understand and support...we are going to endure. This too will pass, it just feels really all up-hill at the moment.

Additional note to self: increased symptoms of memory loss, difficulty waking, severity of headaches increased, feelings of sadness and depression, sleeplessness (with the difficulty to awaken...random I know, like is said, none of it makes sense).
Yes...this all will surely pass at some point.

I think the harder part is just seeing the withering.
To have a child who once found academics EASY, all AP classes, very social and likable...become melancholy and despondent, unable to succeed in mainstream courses, really is just sad.

As I said before it is like a getting to know the NEW you process. It's a pain, mainly for him and sorrow for me watching him struggle. Parents never want to see their children suffer, for so long...and so much.

Growth will come of this...growing pains they say. It is a long and patient process, and very difficult for people to understand. People can be so mean, and so judgmental.

It is hard to hear him talk about being made fun of in class, teased for being "stupid". Really people...this is HIGH SCHOOL...not Jr. High. Kids are so mean. I wish I could go with him everyday...teach those peers a lesson....but then he would be the mamma's boy.
Who cares....I am his mamma...and he is my boy.

Well this whole post is random....but I needed to write how I am feeling. In this real moment. NOW. Today.

i m possible? am i???

Friday, 9 March 2012

hard knocks

i am pushing too hard.
it is hard to know what to say, when.
i try to help, but i don't have the tools.

this is all new to me.

i know he doesn't mean it...but today...
when he told me the sound of my voice...
makes him want to kill himself.

he wont remember saying it later.

he will feel bad if he does.

it is hard for him.

and hard for me.

i pray

and later he tells me he loves me.
and he is sorry mamma.

and i tell him that i am not going to give in.
it is our fight.

healing is possible.

and i tell him that i brought him into this world.
and i guess it is only fair if he leaves i get to be why!

and he laughs.

healing IS possible.

Monday, 5 March 2012

keep trying

at first glance today all i could think was
"if you don't have something nice to say....______________________"
Yep - BLANK!

i had nothing nice to say.

so I kept repeating that to myself. "if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all" -- kept me from some of the really caustic commentary that was on the tip of my tongue, and eventually i could see the wisdom in it.

i kept so much to myself, randomly a couple hours into the day i could see the reward in it.

honestly. i am a grump. and toxic. these days.

i suppose that is normal for someone who has been holding in so much for so long.

ups and downs. that is what dealing with healing is about.

my G is 17.5 now. and still healing from TBI - traumatic brain injury. they got the traumatic part right. this is not fun. i am a little traumatized myself.

we are 1.3 years.months from that traumatic day. the day we veered from the easy road.

life had it's trials before, miles of trials.
now we are off-roading.
the signs say there is a summit, a view to be had worth all the bumps and pits in the road to get there. i believe it, but....for now it seems to be miles and miles of dry desert....nothing on the horizon worth taking a picture.

brain injury -- there are support groups, and I have had access to the information a few times. i always think that it doesn't make sense to start going because he is going to get better. he will be week, next month, next year. and besides is not THAT bad. he is just a little different. but he is going to be okay. i just need to stop whining about it.

i need to accept his new normal.
who he is now,
and stop grieving who I expected him to be,
who he use to be.

even he said to me..."Mom, stop! I don't know what I was like before...I don't know who you think I am going to be. I DONT remember." He has told me it is frustrating for him. It seems like everything is getting harder.
He doesn't know what or why or how any of it is going to change.

and that is TODAY.

He told me today that it is harder than it was. It seems to be getting worse.

Are we not doing enough? What's enough???

i had parent teacher conferences last week for him. felt like a slaughter house.

it is hard to work with the new G. He is different.

anyhow, today I wrote a note to one of his teachers to follow up with our conversation and I told her that we will keep trying.

and we will.

in other am i doing in all of this? i feel hopeless. i keep trying to feel "possible". i m possible???


i am frustrated. i am irritable. i am not super pleasant.

i have heard the rumors. the people who in the past have been our support, seem to be celebrating our hardships. maybe really they are our best cheerleaders. for maybe some of them see the potential for our growth in these trying times. and maybe they feel that if they just snicker in the stands, and boo us, and throw popcorn at us, that it will encourage us to rise above and that we will somehow conquer.

idk, but i don't think a team has ever done better in such negative circumstances. I think that it has been proven that positive input begat positive output.

anyhow, I am trying to mute. i am trying to NOT hear the rumors, and criticisms. there are still a few people who genuinely love us, and care, and will root for our team. even when it seems we are!

in the MEANtime.....i keep on trying. nothing will stop me from trying a little everyday. i believe i m possible. my G is possible. and we will pull through this.

i will smile, and some who really know will see the pain behind the smile.

we will take whatever we have to because in the long run i have an eternal perspective that all will be well in the end. if it is not yet is not the end. i wont stop being proud of the integrity and hard work we are putting forth to heal, and to be whole.

this has been a pretty tough and trying time.

B said to me yesterday that growth hurts. and any growth that helps you to stand a little taller comes with growing pains. so....we will take all the pain and trial that comes with this growth. it will be worth it.