measuring my possibility

i m not making this blog very resourceful by my lack of post.

Anyhow, life is abounding by daily and I am making the most of every moment. Even those moments I curl up on the end of my bed for a mini nap/dream.

I love dreams. I learn a lot from the chaos that resides in my head.

Well, today I am still in my pjs. Three of four kids have made it to their post at school...the fourth, well, I am working on. Parenting is a puzzle and I still struggle to find the right pieces.

But I learned something today about the senses.

This week, really.

Tuesday I had a prompting to go immediately and get this son a donut.

Maple, his favorite.

This moment had a whole anterior story which still puzzles me. ...Mysterious ways.....in which He shows us that we are His, He knows our hearts and prompts our steps.

But the donut and the prompting followed awakened a sense in my son. He was up, showered, and out the door in less than 20! Without frustration, nagging, and anger! It was a miracle. And I witnessed it. After a year plus of head injury trauma, the simplest act of waking him and getting him to school....well, let me just note that we are almost third district juvenile court bound for truancy....so this, a tiny moment in which I felt remembered and saw an act of God in a small part of my morning...mattered.

Today B went to Bambury Cross and bought two maple bars, fresh and warm and wafting with aroma. I placed them on my sons bedside table. And again, he awakened, his senses empowered by something sweet, and an act of concern and thought, love, tenderly awakened him.

I have hope that he will continue to emerge. That we can learn together to enjoy and celebrate this new journey. This struggle... It is not what I wanted, but more than I hoped for. It is hard and wrenching and I feel like I am failing most of the time, but today I measure a small step forward. Something learned and a direction to try.

For a year I have been doing all the same things to push healing, my way. Maybe I need to try something's new! It's possible I might even learn, and grow. I measure...a moment....in a step.

tHe EvoLutiOn of hUmaN nAtuRe -day 1

I did it! First day of back to school for me. After graduating last spring from the community college I have become once again a University student. Yay! It's possible. i.m.possible!

As I walked up to the ST building, the brisk cold air and warmth of the sunshine basked me in memories -- walking to work at the U nearly 19 years ago, pushing a new baby in a stroller, one child, then two, three and finally a fourth wonderful being born of me. Running after them on a warm summers day, teaching them to ride their bikes, crunching in the fall leaves, years later taking pictures of my oldest as he threw tricks on his skateboard. Many a play to be seen, holding the hand of my student husband. His eventual graduation.

I approached the building with one last breath before entering. I remembered a particular jump my son made during a skate sesh! I recall thinking of the courage it took for him to try something so big, a jump so high, not knowing how he would land it.

I found myself in a similar leap. At this moment I would cross a threshold into a new old building and become, officially, a student again at the University.

Like the building I was about to embrace this new old experience in a new to me old building and I felt comfortable - as I crossed the threshold of the building and my eyes embraced the newness to me of the old building, the smells, the sounds, the sights, embraced me back. The musky smell of old smoke, refreshing, like making a memory. Walking me to my future in the past. In the foyer as if the past hadn't passed at all, time standing still, my evolution certain. I can see evidence of my own evolving over the past 20 years, and now - in my first course back in this venue I ponder -- who I have been, who I am becoming, my human nature, my evolution, my moment.

i miss my mom

Got my Reader's Digest today and read Michelle Obama's article on family values. The last question addressed her feelings about her Mother, who lives at the White House with them. What she said...about her Mom....made me miss mine more.

I miss being able to call my Mom. It took so many years and work to forgive her to have so little time to enjoy her. I feel jipped. I wish I had listened more...and spoke less...I wish I had talked when she was willing to listen to me. She was willing to listen. Forgiveness and time and healing gave me that...gave us that. Finally a relationship only to watch her die.

First Lady Obama said that after her mother listens she tells her to "get up and get it together". That is the motherly advice I desperately need right now.

Thank you Mrs. President. I think I will...after a good healthy cry. I might even write my Mother a letter....all those things I wish I could tell her. Somehow I believe she will still listen....and would tell me to "give it a good cry and get it together".

triple thought

It is so encouraging to know
that Jesus experienced
every negative emotion we go through.
He also defeated them all,
which gives us hope
and confidence to do the same."

---Crefio Dollar; pastor and author.

"Remember three things
and save yourself lots
of unneeded heartache:

You're not God.

This ain't heaven.

Don't act like a jerk."

---rev. james martin

Finally, a quote on courage which says:
"Courage is a form of tenaciousness, a refusal to quit because you're tired, hurt, humiliated or emotionally broken. Courage is the ability to face what life throws in your path on a daily basis."

---Nina Lesowitz and Mary Beth Sammons

complex....simplicity